Gonna Start This Fight, Then End It - November 15, 2025

Hi everyone,

This is a long one, summary at the bottom. Okay, right into it. I have no genetic defects in any cancer-causing genes. That does make me feel a lot better.

I did the PT scan on 11/11 and I’m not metastatic! I am hovering right around stage 3. The tumor in my right breast is taking up basically all of its tissues and the lymph nodes are really starting to gain prominence, so I will be getting a port sometime next week to begin chemo, probably Thanksgiving week. Here is a link to my exact treatment regiment: http://breastcancer.org/drugs/ACT-chemo

The chemo process will probably take around 5-6 months. Once the tumors are shrunken down, I’m doing the double mastectomy, followed by radiation right after to get rid of what’s in my lymph nodes, if that is possible. We do not want to remove them if we do not have to…I’d like to avoid possibly losing use of my right arm, thanks. When I am in remission, the chance of recurrence in 5 years should hover around 6%. It’s not zero. But it’s pretty close. 

A lot of you are aware that I have had aches and pains and weird organ malfunctions all my life, but I’ve been suffering from severe, worsening nerve pain and weakness/tremors on my right side for about 7 years now. I was told it was psychosomatic, that I was having panic attacks, that I should get more exercise and the pains in my legs and shoulders would go away. When it didn’t, it was treated as you would fibromyalgia or MS-like nerve pains. This PT scan happened to pick up degeneration all over my spine, particularly lumbar spine, and nerve damage as a result. There is a bone island and possibly a tiny crack in my femur. It is absolutely inexcusable that all the “top-rated,” “world-class” (yeah, right) doctors and specialists I’ve seen over the years just…didn’t see it on the scans, or were too eager to say “there’s nothing I can do about this,” or bring up my mental health issues and how I used to be very overweight for a long time. But at least now I know there really is something there.

Imagine finding that out—you detect spine degeneration, which is something people in their 60s get, during a scan for breast cancer, which is also something people in their 60s get. And then being told there might not be not a whole lot you can do about it in active treatment. And then learning one of the most common side effects from your 3 chemo drugs is nerve damage.

I mean, what the f*ck?

Up until this point, I’ve tended towards putting a positive spin on things in email blast form. That’s partly because I do believe in these positives and see them as they happen, but I also think the situation firmly implies that I am doing horribly emotionally. I am someone who has gone so far out of my way to better myself and showing kindness and respect to everyone, and I feel myself turning hateful, angry, and bitter. I feel violated and robbed. I’m losing what has kept me anchored to that philosophy, and that’s a terrifying feeling, considering treatment hasn’t even started yet. I know it’s going to take a long time to adjust to this “new normal” and life beyond it, especially when achieving some sort of normalcy has been a tooth-and-nail fight all through my life. I’m so tired, guys. But here we go.

I am sending you all the same amount of love and peace you’ve sent me, if that’s even possible at this point. Emails and texts work way better. I will always, always do my absolute best to respond!

Caroline